Put Your Worst Foot Forward
I suffer severely from Foot in Mouth (FIM) disease, and have done so since I could utter my first words. That was apparent when I looked up at a woman with severe facial hair and said: “Dadda.”
Oh my gosh, you’re pregnant! Congratulations!
The woman in question was not pregnant at the time, but I exclaimed this with such conviction that I think she began to wonder if she actually was. Having made this faux pas too many cringe-worthy times, I have never asked or congratulated a woman on this miraculous life changing state ever again. I have come into contact with women who are busting at the seams, holding baby books and shopping in the maternity section and will still not ask them if they are knocked up. If they are being wheeled into the labour ward while screaming, I may consider it, but even then it’s still under debate.
Don’t I know you from somewhere?
Slightly less cringe-worthy but rather more effort than it’s worth. The exception being if the person calls you by name and says: “We met at 12h00, on Tuesday the 12th, in shop 54 in Sandton.” Then, by all means, smile and say: “Yes, of course!” If they say: “Yes I know you, we’ve met somewhere before,” ignore them and feign Alzheimer’s.
If you are both staring at each other with goofy smiles – which is usually a sign of some level of recognition – don’t ask them. Invariably, the person I’ve just asked whether we’ve met before has never met me and we are then forced into the boring task of trying to work out if we share a mutual friend somewhere along the way. This ultimately ends with me agreeing to know Bob Jones who I have never met in my life, but if it puts an end to the name game we’ve been playing for the past 20 minutes, then so be it.
How’s the family?
Let them initiate this minefield. I asked someone that question once and it turned out that his aunt had passed away the day before, leaving me standing there while he sobbed uncontrollably in the middle of the restaurant. Once I had consoled him, I received death stares from the surrounding patrons and was definitely the recipient of food with spit in it.
What a cute little girl!
Invariably the baby that you’ve just gone “coo-coo” over is no more a boy than I am. There is nothing that can undo this monstrous insult, and by trying to cover it up, you just make it worse. Face it, you’ve just insulted their first born and won’t be asked to be a godparent.
I never liked him
You will regret this. You spend the night being a Kleenex conveyor belt and listening to your friend verbally attack her ex and ask questions like: “What was I thinking?!” In between her wailing and rocking, what you should never say is: “I never liked the guy.”
Because true as crap will hit the fan, he will come crawling back and you will look like the worst friend to have ever hit the friend zone. You will no longer be invited to any function she happens to bring the loser to because let’s face it, “you never liked him” anyway.
I hope these little life tips help you, because God knows I could have used them a minute ago when I asked the blind woman next to me if she was looking for something?
Who is Baglett?
She’s a 20-something girl who doesn’t like to take life too seriously. Read her blog at http://www.baglett.co.za/.
Story by Baglett
